Today, Barbie expanded its line of Ken dolls to offer 15 new, diverse and man-bun-having iterations,
featuring three different body types: slim, broad and still castrated original.
And while we were happy to hear about Mattel’s more inclusive conception of the American Male, we were slightly disappointed with the anodyne names they gave to these new Kens, like “Distressed Denim” and “Tropical Vibes.”
Thus, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to rename them—with slightly more specificity.
Given Name: Color Block Cool Ken
Real Name: Wasn’t Cool in High School but Suddenly Got Hot Ken
Given Name: Hip Hoodie Ken
Real Name: Back-Up Dancer #12 for Beyoncé Ken
Given Name: Checked Style Ken
Real Name: Harvard Snowflake Ken
Given Name: Cactus Cooler Ken
Real Name: Just Moved to Brooklyn But Already Talking About Moving to Austin Ken
Given Name: Tropical Vibes Ken
Real Name: Always the First to Start Dancing On a Couch at that Clubby Brunch Place Ken
Given Name: Hyped on Stripes Ken
Real Name: Shoved You en Route to Mac Miller Concert at Coachella and Didn’t Even Apologize Ken
Given Name: Plaid on Point Ken
Real Name: Increasingly Lumbersexual Ken
Given Name: Cali Cool Ken
Real Name: Wanna Take a Hit of This Pot and Get Some Dope Mahi-Mahi Tacos Ken
Given Name: Preppy Check Ken
Real Name: Keeps On Forgetting He Already Told You About the Time He Banged Your Family Friend Back In College Ken
Given Name: Classic Cool Ken
Real Name: Waiting Tables While Trying to Make It as an Actor in LA, Just Booked a Target Commercial So Things Are Really Happening Now Ken
Given Name: In Black & White Ken
Real Name: Haven’t Gone Out Since Sheila Broke Up with Me But Hey, I’m Ready to Hit the Club Tonight, Promise I Won’t Cry on the D-Floor This Time Ken
Given Name: Super Stripes Ken
Real Name: Dude I Know You Wanted a Low-Key Bachelor Party, But... Ken
Given Name: Chill in Check Ken
Real Name: Shadily Has a Giant Horsecock Ken
Given Name: Distressed Denim Ken
Real Name: Rides His Longboard in the Bike Lane Like a Fucking Idiot Ken
Given Name: Camo Comeback Ken
Real Name: Was Star Quarterback in High School and Is Currently Working at Gap Ken
And while we were happy to hear about Mattel’s more inclusive conception of the American Male, we were slightly disappointed with the anodyne names they gave to these new Kens, like “Distressed Denim” and “Tropical Vibes.”
Thus, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to rename them—with slightly more specificity.
Given Name: Color Block Cool Ken
Real Name: Wasn’t Cool in High School but Suddenly Got Hot Ken
Given Name: Hip Hoodie Ken
Real Name: Back-Up Dancer #12 for Beyoncé Ken
Given Name: Checked Style Ken
Real Name: Harvard Snowflake Ken
Given Name: Cactus Cooler Ken
Real Name: Just Moved to Brooklyn But Already Talking About Moving to Austin Ken
Given Name: Tropical Vibes Ken
Real Name: Always the First to Start Dancing On a Couch at that Clubby Brunch Place Ken
Given Name: Hyped on Stripes Ken
Real Name: Shoved You en Route to Mac Miller Concert at Coachella and Didn’t Even Apologize Ken
Given Name: Plaid on Point Ken
Real Name: Increasingly Lumbersexual Ken
Given Name: Cali Cool Ken
Real Name: Wanna Take a Hit of This Pot and Get Some Dope Mahi-Mahi Tacos Ken
Given Name: Preppy Check Ken
Real Name: Keeps On Forgetting He Already Told You About the Time He Banged Your Family Friend Back In College Ken
Given Name: Classic Cool Ken
Real Name: Waiting Tables While Trying to Make It as an Actor in LA, Just Booked a Target Commercial So Things Are Really Happening Now Ken
Given Name: In Black & White Ken
Real Name: Haven’t Gone Out Since Sheila Broke Up with Me But Hey, I’m Ready to Hit the Club Tonight, Promise I Won’t Cry on the D-Floor This Time Ken
Given Name: Super Stripes Ken
Real Name: Dude I Know You Wanted a Low-Key Bachelor Party, But... Ken
Given Name: Chill in Check Ken
Real Name: Shadily Has a Giant Horsecock Ken
Given Name: Distressed Denim Ken
Real Name: Rides His Longboard in the Bike Lane Like a Fucking Idiot Ken
Given Name: Camo Comeback Ken
Real Name: Was Star Quarterback in High School and Is Currently Working at Gap Ken
