It premieres on Showtime this Sunday, and we still really have no idea what to expect. Will Killer Bob—infamous for killing people and being named Bob—return to terrorize the town? Is One-Eyed Jack’s still around? What ever became of that Giant? And will the damn good coffee be small-batch and cold-brewed now or just classic “Hot!”?
The answers to these questions, and a myriad of others, remain unknown. But fortunately for you, UrbanDaddy has choice intel regarding the roles of some of the ridiculous (and fittingly random) new cast members, including Amanda Seyfried, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Michael Cera and that chick from Gossip Girl. (No, not that one. This one.)
Keep in mind, while the cast members here are all real, the information regarding the roles they play is completely unverified.
By which we mean, completely made up...
The New Cast Member: Matthew Lillard
The New Character: Agent Rod Miller
What He Does: Provides cheese-ball comic relief as Agent Dale Cooper’s jaded new partner, who totally doesn’t buy any of this “supernatural shit.”
The New Cast Member: Amanda Seyfried
The New Character: Erica Boyd
What She Does: More or less reprises her role as the ditz in Mean Girls, because using one’s breasts to forecast the weather feels oddly Lynchian.
The New Cast Member: Singer/songwriter Sharon Van Etten
The New Character: Suspiciously Narcotized Lounge Singer #12
What She Does: Croons sad songs in a cocktail dress at an abandoned piano bar in the middle of the woods that’s actually part of an alternate dimension.
The New Cast Member: Jim Belushi
The New Character: Jim
What He Does: Manages the Twin Peaks P.F. Chang’s, where Agent Cooper communes with the afterlife through a reflection in his criminally overpriced Hot and Sour soup.
The New Cast Member: Jennifer Jason Leigh
The New Character: Evie Bell
What She Does: Works with Shelly at the Double R Diner. As a mysterious émigré to Twin Peaks and demure divorcée, she becomes embroiled in a love triangle involving Leland Palmer’s ghost and Deputy Sherriff Hawk.
The New Cast Members: Michael Cera and Charlyne Yi
The New Characters: The Glockenspiel Kids
What They Do: Get seen around town holding glockenspiels, in a failed attempt to a) cash in on the cult popularity of the Log Lady; and b) learn how to play glockenspiels.
The New Cast Member: Eddie Vedder, of Pearl Jam
The New Character: Billy Nats, the lead singer of Great Northern Hotel’s house rock band
What He Does: Serves as the Bookhouse Boys’ token middle-aged rock star, because Twin Peaks is so un-diverse they sort of just gave up on finding a token anyone-else.
The New Cast Member: Jessica Szohr
The New Character: Molly
What She Does: Stars as the love interest in the Showtime reboot of Twin Peaks’ show-within-a-show, Invitation to Love. Woah. Doubly meta.
The New Cast Member: Monica Bellucci
The New Character: Madam Jack
What She Does: Runs a tight ship over at the new, more iniquitous One-Eyed Jack’s.
The New Cast Member: Sara Paxton
The New Character: Miss Twin Peaks 2017
What She Does: Wins the Miss Twin Peaks pageant and basically serves as a doppelgänger for Heather Graham’s Annie in the original, because what is Sara Paxton if not a doppelgänger for Heather Graham in general.
The New Cast Member: Naomi Watts
The New Character: Diane
What She Does: Becomes the modern, Siri-like version of Agent Cooper’s old tape-recorder secretary. The twist: Diane the secretary is actually Diane Selwyn, the suicidal lover from Lynch’s Mulholland Drive, whose soul has been vanquished to the inside of Agent Cooper’s outdated Samsung Galaxy. Insane!
The New Cast Member: Ethan Suplee, of My Name Is Earl
The New Character: Ethan Suplee, of My Name Is Earl
What He Does: Plays himself in the show’s only cameo, wherein the denizens of Twin Peaks—who for some reason really connect with the folksy spirituality and small-town setting of My Name Is Earl—go absolutely ape-shit. “It’s Ethan fucking Suplee!!!”