There’s a lot we can learn from the social clubs of yesteryear.

The tightly curated membership. The smoking jackets. The vanity canes.

Well, if there’s ever a comeback that needed to happen...

Introducing Parlor New York, a new invite-only establishment in SoHo for unchecked imbibing and other discretionary night moves, accepting applications now.

Think of this as a five-star hotel lobby that requires Pentagon-level clearance to revel in. A comfortably private, two-story restaurant/wine cellar where you’ll come to close deals and woo dates in the candlelit dining room or the baroque-styled black and white bar.

In order to join, you’ll want to leave a big impression on the owners. This’ll be done through a dashing art heist that makes front-page news. Or a scintillatingly written email via their website.

Once backgrounds are checked, dues are collected and the microchip is implanted, you’ll have carte blanche to use the space in any which way. That means whispered affairs in the coat room, seductive white-tablecloth dinners downstairs and future Oscar viewing parties with the bar’s flat-screen. (We hear Kirk Douglas makes a great plus-one.)

The first 100 charter members: mostly friends and family. But now, well, they’re looking for more adventurous/unpredictable recruits. And that’s where you come in.

Or Sheen.