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We Hereby Resolve... Meet Your 2014 Anti-Resolutions

Sure, most people resolve to improve themselves at the outset of each year. But we gather here today to ask, what is “improvement” really? Is it not relative? Is your life not improved by, say, ingesting a five-pound sandwich? Ours is not to judge. Ours is to present your 2014 anti-resolutions.

UD - Anti-Resolution: The City’s Priciest Pad
RESOLUTION: MAKE SOUND INVESTMENTS

Anti-Resolution: The City’s Priciest Pad

Here’s what $130 mil will get you these days: private riverfront gardens, an indoor pool, a private screening room (Imax quality, naturally), tennis and squash courts, a full spa and... a poker room. Just a modest little piece of land to call home.

411:

$130,000,000, River House, 435 E 52nd St, 212-355-8290

UD - Anti-Resolution: A Cocktail with Tobacco
RESOLUTION: QUIT SMOKING

Anti-Resolution: A Cocktail with Tobacco

It’s been 11 years since you could smoke in a bar here. And yet, somehow, no one’s converted the whole experience (well, the good parts) into a cocktail. Until now. This one’s got smoked honey, sherry vinegar, tobacco and porter. The de Blasio era looks bright.

411:

$14, available at Betony, 41 W 57th St (between 5th and 6th), 212-465-2400

UD - Anti: The Grilled Beast of Midtown East
RESOLUTION: DROP A FEW POUNDS

Anti: The Grilled Beast of Midtown East

This sandwich: fried chicken, bacon, ham, melted pepper jack, cheddar and muenster, kale, tomatoes, cherry peppers and two cornbread waffles covered in syrup and nestled between two pieces of grilled sourdough. On the side: roasted fingerlings and housemade pickles. It’s five pounds of food. Good luck making it to ’15.

UD - Anti-Resolution: Record a Pop Song
RESOLUTION: SPEND LESS ON HOBBIES

Anti-Resolution: Record a Pop Song

Now presenting: your road to a number-one hit single...
Step 1: Tell the guys at Pop Star Parties what genre and style you want your song in.
Step 2: Wait a few days while they work their musical and lyrical wizardry.
Step 3: Record it (potentially with a massive amount of Auto-Tune) in Mary J. Blige’s studio.
Step 4: Clear some Grammy space on mantel.

411:

$5,000/three hours, available at Pop Star Parties, 373 Park Ave S (between 26th and 27th), 212-679-2012

UD - Anti: The AfterWork Swingers Party
RESOLUTION: LEAVE WORK AT THE OFFICE

Anti: The AfterWork Swingers Party

Tuesdays are rough. The three more days in the week. The lack of any distinctive feel. The pansexual escapades that happen after you leave the office. Oh, right, that’s just if you make it to Bowery Bliss’s weekly post-work swingers party. Which, come on, you should.

411:

Tuesdays, $120 for single men, no charge for single women, AfterWork Party at Bowery Bliss, location given upon reservation, 917-484-1898

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