Published February 18, 2011
A Squadron of Assistants to Do Your Bidding
Benefit of the doubt, sure, we’ll give it. But every now and again, something
comes across our desk that just seems... suspect. In the most intriguing of these situations, an
investigation is warranted, albeit a particularly skeptical one. We call it: Skeptical Investigations
A new web service, Agent Anything
, that promises college
students/minions will do your bidding (wait for my table at Ippudo, deliver martinis to my office) anytime,
The following tasks were scientifically selected in order to reflect the most essential traits of a personal
assistant. Patience. Quick thinking. And soft hands.
MISSION #1: SHAKE SHACK LUNCH, 11:02am
Wait in line and deliver Shack Burgers
, Cheese Fries
Agent Jorge—$15 at 11:27am
Jorge proved to be a revelation. Burgers arrived hot, concretes arrived thick, and
not a shred of line-cutting evidence was left behind.
MISSION #2: PERSONAL MASSEUSE, 4:29pm
Massage. All day.
Agent Danielle—$45 at 1:04am (lowered from $60 at
Her negotiation skills showed she was desperate. Her massage skills showed she was
trained in the ancient Eastern arts of shiatsu.
MISSION #3: BLIND DATE ESCAPE, 11:01am
We have a first date of unconfirmed quality. Be on standby, ready to facilitate a
getaway, create a fictional crisis and potentially get a sidecar thrown in your face.
Agent Steve—$24.99 at 11:04am
Steve’s extra touch of arriving in ER scrubs really lent the old “family
emergency” excuse some serious gravitas.
The power is intoxicating, and the service is both effective and (we’re fairly certain) not illegal. Also,
underlings make a great tax write-off.