Good Vibrations
Pleasure, Now via Remote Control

Okay. This is it. Four days left, and you’ve got something for almost everyone on your list.

For Uncle Bob: a box of cigars. For Grandma: A Very Manilow Christmas in a crazy new format called compact disc. And for the pleasure-seeking special someone in your life... uh oh.

Relax. We can help.

Introducing the Zoon, the world’s first wireless, web-enabled instrument of pleasure, available now.

This is the next great leap in remote-control technology, and it’s been put to outstanding use: a purring little pod, controllable from across the room or across the country. All you’ll use is a tiny remote control that can stop and start the pod’s humming at your leisure, or adjust it from a low-frequency rumble to a powerful buzz. It’s like an iPod dock, but somehow even more intriguing.

And if you find yourself unable to satisfy that special someone’s desires in person—the government of Scotland needs you to officially certify this year’s batch of scotch—you can try the extra remote function: you’ll log in to the Zoon site, type in a personal 10-digit code (colloquially known as “the launch code”) and then get a pop-up web version of the remote so you can control the magic wand from hundreds of miles away.

A phone call might also be in order.