Chocolate Thunder
Something New to Put in Your Cereal

When it comes to remakes, there’re a few hard and fast rules to live by:
 
1. For movies, don’t touch the glorious catalog of Michael J. Fox.
2. For songs, never go acoustic.
3. And when childhood foodstuffs are involved, add booze. Then keep adding booze.

Here to honor and improve on your favorite beverage of yore is Adult Chocolate Milk, a vodka-laced carton of brilliance, available online now.
 
At long last, science and ingenuity have combined to create a vodka drink that you’re expected to blow bubbles in. You’ll want to reach for a bottle (rubber nipple optional) after a particularly long day of chopping wood, bending rebar with your bare hands or hostage negotiation, when Oreos alone just aren’t doing enough to take the edge off.
 
You’ll go online and secure yourself a quantity (we’d advise a crate). Then, via an old-fashioned milkman (who may still be in his UPS driver Halloween costume), the 40-proof chocolate milk will arrive at your door in an old-timey glass bottle, complete with swing-top lid (somehow, that makes it more official).

Your first instinct will be to take a slug straight from the carton. Do not ignore this instinct. Drink it the way God/nature intended. Straight from the bottle. Fridge open. Sans shirt.
 
And much like a beverage/snack-time Nostradamus, they’ve already got plans in motion to add alcohol to orange cream, fruit punch and limeade.

 But only the milk will help prevent osteoporosis.