The Card Truth
Surviving Valentine's Day (With Hip-Hop)

So, Valentine's Day. As much as we would like to ignore this greeting card holiday, it's not going away.

And while your participation is by no means mandatory, you'll probably have to say something. And that something might as well make you sound like a modern-day Romeo.

You need 2 Live Crew.

Welcome to Kuro Co. Stank Sentiments for Sweethearts, a set of greeting cards subtly and eloquently emblazoned with the famous romantic poetry of...hip-hop lyrics, now available for your Valentine's Day wooing.

Yes, that's right: some of the hardest, toughest rhymers in rap have been enlisted to get you through this most pungently floral of holidays. So instead of roses and odes to your beloved's eyes, you'll find big block letters that get right to the heart of what you're trying to express. Consider "Lick Me Like a Lollipop" (from the bard Lil Wayne) for first dates; for more long-term commitments, Notorious B.I.G.'s "I Love It When You Call Me Big Papa" might well be the "Roses are red..." of our era. (Although "I Like Big Butts"—also available—runs a close second.)

What happens next depends a lot on your intended target. She might open one and feel insulted—for instance, it might be too early in the relationship for "Oh, Me So Horny." Or she might open it and admire the hand letterpressing, not to mention the sentiment behind a message like "Let's Talk About Sex."

Salt-N-Pepa: bringing people together since 1991.