It’s only been a few weeks since the Oscar nominees were announced. Yet somehow you’re already sick of
waiting to find out which white person will win what award.
So we’ve got some awards we’re giving out right here, right now. The performers won’t get statuettes or anything, but then again, they don’t have to go on Charlie Rose and act dignified and stuff before finding out if they won.
We bring you the UrbanDaddy Cinematic Superlative Awards:
Most Controversial Use of Abstinence: The Women of Chi-Raq
Most Egregious Accidental Destruction of a Priceless Artifact: 1870s Martin Guitar by Kurt Russell, The Hateful Eight
Name Most Likely to Be Mispronounced by a Presenter: Saoirse Ronan
Best Impression of an Impression of a Boston Accent: Mark Ruffalo, Spotlight
Title Most Likely to Remind You of Your Great-Aunt: Carol
The Pixar Competitor They Really Didn’t See Coming: Charlie Kaufman
Most Hilarious Nomination, Like, Someone Could Get an Actual Oscar for the Combination of These Words: “Earned It” from Fifty Shades of Grey, Music and Lyrics by the Weeknd
Most Important Work with Cigarettes: Cate Blanchett, Carol
Most Controversial Performance by High Heels: Bryce Dallas Howard’s, Jurassic World
That Other Transformative Eddie Redmayne Performance That We’ll All Go Ahead and Just Kindly Sweep Under the Rug: Jupiter Ascending
Most Troubling Moment for a Child to Walk In on His Parents in the Entire History of Humankind: The Overnight
Special Achievement in the Field of Schlocky Titles: Deathgasm
Most Tom Hardys in a Single Film: Legend
The Woody Allen Award for Most Convincing Midlife Crisis: Ben Stiller, While We’re Young
Best Worst Date Movie: It Follows
Best Guitar and/or Flamethrower Solo: Sean Hape (aka iOTA), Mad Max: Fury Road
Achievement in Saddest Stop-Motion Animation: Anomalisa
Luckiest Bathtub: Margot Robbie’s, The Big Short
Best Ensemble Cast of Bad Haircuts: The Big Short
Most Uncomfortable Film to Watch Beside Your Mom: Trainwreck
Best Sneeze: Jude Law, Spy
Most Excruciating Contract Negotiation: Fifty Shades of Grey
Least Plausible Gift: The First Edition of The Iliad, The Boy Next Door
Lowest-Key Rom-Com Sidekick Performance by an Actual Best Actress Front-Runner: Brie Larson, Trainwreck
Special Achievement in Wearing Yellow: Rebecca Ferguson, Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation
Humanitarian Award for Making Us All Forget Fantastic Four and Rocky Balboa Were Films That Actually Happened: Michael B. Jordan, Creed
So we’ve got some awards we’re giving out right here, right now. The performers won’t get statuettes or anything, but then again, they don’t have to go on Charlie Rose and act dignified and stuff before finding out if they won.
We bring you the UrbanDaddy Cinematic Superlative Awards:
Most Controversial Use of Abstinence: The Women of Chi-Raq
Most Egregious Accidental Destruction of a Priceless Artifact: 1870s Martin Guitar by Kurt Russell, The Hateful Eight
Name Most Likely to Be Mispronounced by a Presenter: Saoirse Ronan
Best Impression of an Impression of a Boston Accent: Mark Ruffalo, Spotlight
Title Most Likely to Remind You of Your Great-Aunt: Carol
The Pixar Competitor They Really Didn’t See Coming: Charlie Kaufman
Most Hilarious Nomination, Like, Someone Could Get an Actual Oscar for the Combination of These Words: “Earned It” from Fifty Shades of Grey, Music and Lyrics by the Weeknd
Most Important Work with Cigarettes: Cate Blanchett, Carol
Most Controversial Performance by High Heels: Bryce Dallas Howard’s, Jurassic World
That Other Transformative Eddie Redmayne Performance That We’ll All Go Ahead and Just Kindly Sweep Under the Rug: Jupiter Ascending
Most Troubling Moment for a Child to Walk In on His Parents in the Entire History of Humankind: The Overnight
Special Achievement in the Field of Schlocky Titles: Deathgasm
Most Tom Hardys in a Single Film: Legend
The Woody Allen Award for Most Convincing Midlife Crisis: Ben Stiller, While We’re Young
Best Worst Date Movie: It Follows
Best Guitar and/or Flamethrower Solo: Sean Hape (aka iOTA), Mad Max: Fury Road
Achievement in Saddest Stop-Motion Animation: Anomalisa
Luckiest Bathtub: Margot Robbie’s, The Big Short
Best Ensemble Cast of Bad Haircuts: The Big Short
Most Uncomfortable Film to Watch Beside Your Mom: Trainwreck
Best Sneeze: Jude Law, Spy
Most Excruciating Contract Negotiation: Fifty Shades of Grey
Least Plausible Gift: The First Edition of The Iliad, The Boy Next Door
Lowest-Key Rom-Com Sidekick Performance by an Actual Best Actress Front-Runner: Brie Larson, Trainwreck
Special Achievement in Wearing Yellow: Rebecca Ferguson, Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation
Humanitarian Award for Making Us All Forget Fantastic Four and Rocky Balboa Were Films That Actually Happened: Michael B. Jordan, Creed
