Numbers never lie.

Keep that in mind while we introduce you to Spreadsheets, a mobile app that tracks your bedroom prowess with data-driven metrics like, oh, you know, thrusts per minute, available now for iPhone.

Think of this like a calculator crossed with an Excel spreadsheet crossed with a sex coach crossed with a... no, that’s basically it.

You’ll begin by downloading it. Then, you’ll input some personal information (name, email). And some very personal information (mattress type, preferred lovemaking style). Finally, lay the phone on your bed and commence with the sex.

While you’re busy, this thing is collecting all sorts of incredibly useful data. Total duration. Peak decibel level. That sort of intel. Intel you can use to better yourself as a person and as a partner. Also, to earn points by unlocking various challenges provided by the app like “have a midafternoon quickie” or “complete a 40-minute marathon session.”

Pretty sure Sting already unlocked that one.