Fort Night
Storm Fortress, by the Numbers

Well, looks like we’ve dodged Isaac. That’s good. But there are still 94 days left in hurricane season. Precisely not the time to let your guard down. What you need to ride out the next big one: a Storm Fortress. One that’s stocked with all of the necessities. Like impact-resistant glass. Concrete reinforcements. And a moat (yes, a moat). So grab your realtor, because we’ve found one that’s for sale. Here’s the all-important intel:

Square feet of house: 10,124
Acreage of land: 14
Percentage of that land that’s occupied by a moat: 50
Percentage of that moat that’s occupied by piranhas: TBD
Number of front doors: several
Number of drawbridges: 0
Cost to have a custom drawbridge installed: TBD
Windows not outfitted in high-impact-resistant glass: 0
Generators located on the property: 1
Number of guests that can comfortably fit on the property: several thousand
Generators needed to provide enough power for a DJ booth, strobe lights and a fake fog machine: 1
Billiard rooms in the castle: 1
Couch-filled wine cellars in the castle: 1
Dungeons in the castle: 0
Listing price of the castle: $10,900,000
Number of other kings currently residing in Miami: just LeBron