Characteristics of a good fort:

—Blocks unwanted intruders.
—Withstands inclement weather.
—Accommodates hundreds of people who perhaps want to dance.

Time to inspect No Man’s Fort, a former military installation off the coast of England with a rooftop hot tub and a nightclub, opening April 23.

Yeah, we know: you have questions. So let’s get to it.

Q: Where is this exactly, bearings-wise?
A: Specifically, it’s 1.4 miles from the Isle of Wight. More specifically, the helicopter coordinates are N 50° 44' 27.0", W 001° 05' 45.8". That’s right. Fort’s got helipads.

Q: This is ringing a bell. Why?
A: It’s from the same people who brought you another fortress called Spitbank Fort. But this one’s three times bigger. Big enough to host corporate retreats and weddings.

Q: What if I have neither a wedding nor a corporate retreat?
A: No problem. Just book a room. They’ve got things like slate showers and faux-fur rugs. Then start exploring. You’ll find laser tag, a snooker room, a lighthouse, a wine bar and other things visible in this here slideshow...

Q: Fair enough. Could there be any other reason it feels familiar?
A: Well, it appeared in the 1972 Doctor Who episode “The Sea Devils.”

It was a classic.