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Published November 20, 2011

Stay Golden
Colombia, Pablo Escobar–Style

Colombia. Home to some, shall we say, addictive commodities.

And by that we mean Sofía Vergara’s... hips.

Anyway, you’ve long been overdue for going straight to the source...

Introducing Gold, Coca and Coffee: Colombia’s Dangerous Trifecta, a 10-day do-it-all trip that’s heavy on cartel culture and tropical relaxation, taking reservations now.

Now, you get to channel three very different people on this thing. One, Pablo Escobar (or Oliver Stone doing research for a Scarface sequel). Two, Mr. Valdez. And three, Gabriel García Márquez. Because we assume he knows how to get loose.

You’ll fly into Bogotá, get acquainted with the city (and its Gold Museum) and then check out Hacienda Nápoles, Escobar’s former house and center of operations. From there, you’ll take a private flight to Medillín to meet with El Capo’s brother (and other cartel experts) before heading to the highlands to visit coffee plantations—and be guided into a gold mine. It’s all for the screenplay.

If you begin to feel like things are getting a little too real, you’ll head to your glass houseboat in the Bay of Cholón, where you’ll scuba dive the Corales del Rosario archipelago. And when the Cartagena nightlife starts to call your name, well, you’ll call a guy. Who happens to captain a private speedboat. His job: to pull up dockside and take you to the city on your slightest whim.

Tony Montana would want it this way.
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