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Photo Credit: Philip Karlberg
12/28/11
The Rejection List
The Least Essential Stuff of the Year
Some things make the cut (VHS). Some things don’t (Beta). The world may never know the whole story as to why. Unless, of course, you’re talking about one of these delightfully idiotic products. Enjoy...
Ear Guards
Ever since you first saw Wrath of Khan, you’ve been worried about two things: 1) Earwigs. 2) A
future in which you’d be forced into a front-zip jumpsuit. While the fashion of tomorrow is still
uncertain, thanks to these plastic slipcovers, your ear canals are now safe.
- 411:
- Ear Guards
Turbo Tango
Sure, who doesn’t like spraying a carbonated fruit drink directly into their mouth, Reddi-wip style. Oh,
that’s right. You. And everyone you know. So to the evil genius behind Turbo Tango: your devious plot to
deplete the ozone via atomized fruit drink is foiled... for now.
- 411:
- Turbo Tango
Dog Nose Jewelry
To tell if your dog’s well, feel his nose. But first—now, this is important—make sure the nose is
actually attached to the dog. It could be merely a sterling silver imprint of his nose that you had cast as
your belt buckle. Because, yes, people do that now.
- 411:
- Dog Nose Jewelry
USB Panda Warming Gloves
It’s cold in Chicago. It will inevitably get even colder. You will be forced to do various unspeakable
acts to stay warm. But, frankly, using these heated panda gloves—warmed via your USB socket—will not be
one of them. Just whatever you do: pay Peoples Gas.
Sexytime Soundtrack
Those love-tester machines you sometimes see at the back of pizza joints—total scam. Instead, let this app
rate your performance. Strategically set an iPhone under your mattress, and it picks the appropriate
lovemaking soundtrack based on intensity—ridding you of that bedside DJ and panel of judges forever.
- 411:
- Sexytime Soundtrack
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