This is not a love letter. This is fact. Cold. Pitiless. Unequivocal.

(Still, happy Valentine’s Day all the same.)

But after last week’s breathless coverage of Publican Quality Meats’ debut, you’re craving a more objective look at the place—especially since, as of yesterday, it’s serving a full menu of items you don’t have to cook yourself. Read this with your favorite meat lover.

6: Number of sandwiches on the board.
1: Number that involves lamb meatballs on lobster roll bread from Franks ‘N’ Dawgs.
30: Total seats available.
2: Number available at 1:17pm.
15: Number available at 2pm.
1:45pm: Time your new lunch hour begins.
16: Circumference in inches of tuna muffuletta sandwich on homemade focaccia.
12: Number of sandwiches one muffuletta makes.
100%: Certainty a muffuletta will figure into your next hangover cure.
2: Beers on tap, including Jaipur IPA.
2: Number of Pok Pok Som drinking vinegars being sampled.
100%: Certainty you’ll prefer the IPA.
$22: Cost of the Butcher’s Meal for two: blood sausage, braised beef, chorizo, et al.
1: Number of sparkling wines available.
100: Fold increase in the likelihood that you spend a romantic afternoon in a butcher shop.
$29.99: The going rate per pound of steelhead trout caviar. Just FYI...