Hey, great news.

You’re about to gain access to Batman’s greatest asset.

Hint: it’s not the Batmobile.

Or legal immunity from vigilantism.

Definitely not a utility belt.

Guess that leaves Alfred. Yep. It’s Alfred.

You’re cordially invited to join the Alfred Club, a new service that basically grants you a butler whom you don’t have to live with, now in beta for Boston only.

For most of history, having a butler demanded vast riches, a titled name or a leading role in a PBS period drama. But now, all that’s required is an email address and $25 a week. Progress, equality, etc.

First, sign up to see if they’re servicing your area yet. If so, you’ll be paired with an Alfred. Yes, they really call them that. And yes, they’re real human people. Then schedule two days a week for your Alfred to visit and tasks for them to carry out. Such as:

Delivering groceries.
Making a list helps.

Picking up and putting away your laundry.
Bath towel swan folding optional.

House duties.
Taking out the trash, organizing your closet, making the bed. Other things you’d rather pay for than do yourself.

Shoeshine.
The most butlery of all butler activities.