Published December 17, 2012
The Late Greats
FOR THE RUSSIAN UNCLE
Eric Ripert runs a little outfit called Le Bernardin. Fish leap from the ocean into pans just for the privilege of being prepared by him. Anyway, this is the sturgeon roe he serves there. And if you’re in Manhattan, you can get it delivered... today. So you probably should.
FOR THE WHIMSICAL AUNT
This takes Dalí to the next level. It’s basically a poster that has a desk clock on it. Only it’s not a desk clock, see. Just a photo of one. Except the clock photo itself actually tells time. Once you recover the pieces of your blown mind, gift this thing.
FOR THE ADAMANT CARNIVORE
Gifts that keep on giving: Human Fund donations, ponies and this six-month subscription to the world’s best dry-aged beef. Every other week, your ecstatic giftee picks up three to seven pounds of whatever cut is on the schedule, along with recipes. Just make sure they remember who gave it to them.
FOR THE CONNOISSEUR OF PLEASURE
Dipping sauce. Kinky massages. Well-made pasta. Seductive showers. Classic oil fights. There’s really no limit to what someone can get out of this set of oils and vinegars. First of all, yes, black and white truffle varieties are included. Second of all, oil fight’s at your place.
FOR THE EPIC BEARDSMITH
A lot of maintenance goes into a truly spectacular example of facial hair. There’s beard oil, mustache wax, facial serum and muttonchop glue. Okay, one of those is fake. The rest are available from this Brooklyn enterprise. (And you were right, it was muttonchop glue.)
FOR YOUR OWN SANITY
Her Name’s Allie. She Wraps Presents.
You have a lot of admirable qualities. Really, you do. But gift wrapping is not among them. So consider a festive young lass, Allie, at your disposal. Bring your gifts, choose a wrapping style, go grab a drink somewhere, pick the gifts up. We heard she has a PhD in origami.